Babies

Ah, little bundles of joy. I do love babies. My sister has the cutest baby. Her blog is listed on the right. Adorable.

People always ask me if I want babies. I waffle between "no" and "I don't know." The first sounds so definite. I mean, who knows if I'll ever want babies. The second sounds so noncommittal. But, it about encapsulates my feelings on the issue.

My single friends don't bug me at all about it. Only the married ones. Not sure why. Most of my single friends do want babies some day. Maybe they don't want to jinx themselves. Maybe they just know me better.

I think my feelings on babies are this: I'd be an awful mom. I'd probably screw them up. I'd be gone too much, or not enough. I'd give them too much freedom, or not enough. I'd push them too hard, or not enough. I'd do it all right, and they'd come out bad...or I'd do it all wrong and they'd come out bad. I always say that I don't want that kind of responsibility, but then someone points out that I'm a doctor. And I think that's the point -- I can walk away from my job. If I make a mistake, if I push too much, if I wait too long...eventually I go home and have a break. I can stop being Dr. and resume being me. My fear is that you can't stop being Mom, because there's no "me" to resume being.

Plus, I'm terribly selfish. Really. I don't want to share my husband with babies. I like having all his attention. I like being the center of his universe. I don't want to spin into a corner when the babies tip our world out of balance.

Maybe someday I'll feel like it's time to open my life to someone tiny and pink and new. Until then, I make an awesome babysitter.